This is the post excerpt.
I have always wanted to write.
I have always feared writing.
Feared being authentic in a moment and recording it. Paranoid that my thoughts would shift overtime and somehow become a weapon to be later used against me. Instead of leaning into my fear, I have let it lead me astray – stifling part of my soul.
This blog is me whatever that means, I’m still trying to figure that out.
Clenching my fists till my knuckles turn white
Nail marks on the palm of my hands
Temporary lines
Just a glimpse of the internal screams I have carried
singing out like a siren softened by the intense winds of a storm
Don’t pick at it they say
I don’t
I sit and watch the world unraveling
My wounds being ripped open
Yet I dare not make a sound
It’s like all those times I blacked out while you violated me
The life escaping my pupils
I imagine my eyes looked much like my god mother’s before she died
Dark
dilated
Empty
Escaped
Don’t dead fish he told me
it’s unbecoming.
Stay with me others have pleaded
The feelings of the swab never left me
Combed over for evidence I knew wasn’t there
It had been months since your rugged hands had touched my soft delicate sun kissed skin
No one will ever believe you
There are days when I don’t believe myself
Maybe I like to black out because I have spent so much time there
That purgatory
Much like that space under your bed
Or the darkness slowly encroaching my peripheral vision as you held me underwater
Better the salt of the sea
than the salt of your seed
You wouldn’t be the last
Sometimes I wonder what you are doing
What your life is like
If you are happy
Loved
If you’ve changed
It’s not a competition
But I try to not let you win
It’s been a long time since I smelled you
That was always the worst
Your fragrance so intoxicating
It consumed me
Squeezing all the air out of my lungs
Forcing me to see black
Even when you weren’t there
Bypassing any and all logical thought
To the boys who dealt with the dissociation
Dealt with the anger
Thrown objects
I don’t owe you an explanation
It wasn’t you
It was him
The parts that linger that I can’t control
He touched more than my physical crevasses
He splintered into the sulcus of my brain
I have seen him since
His energy so powerful I knew he was near me before I even saw his face
When we locked eyes it was like my throat had been slit
The blood draining out of me like a pig going to slaughter
That was the point tho wasn’t it
To whittle me down into more tolerable pieces
Pieces that could be shared
I’m so proud of the slut you have become
He told me on a beautiful day
The sky blue and full of clouds that make you dream of being able to lay in them
The warm rays of bright light beating down on my
Skin
I always assumed you wanted to feel like the sun to me
Your warmth was drowned out by your insatiable appetite
My blood was hotter than I remembered as is dripped from my mouth
Maybe seeing red is all it took
My blood still boils every now and again
You watch me from a distance
I feel your eyes tracing my silhouette
Gazing upon my aura
You are not like the others
It’s not my body your after
I pray My words be as visceral as the image of a sword slicing a human horizontally across the face. I’m sure there is a you tube video of it somewhere.
It’s the little things I miss
the rays of light sparkling in your eyes as my hands danced over your body in the morning sun
But I don’t miss you
Here i sit nourished laced in the comfort of your energy
Wrapped up and twisted In contentment
So desperately wanting it to stick
Let it be everlasting I pray
I worship in the church of you
Taking your communion
Your soul sweet like honey
for a moment gracing my lips
Goosebumps trickling down my spine
Your warmth expands more than just temperature.
Each passing stroke of your weathered hands bringing me closer to your pearly gates
Your palms force me to sing your high praises.
It is here in the darkest moments of the night
You planted the seed
Not sure if you will reap its harvest
But if not for you
My compost would have become stale and infested, crippling each plant trying to clench roots
I feel like I’m losing you
She says
I feel like I’m finding myself
It’s always the same
I stray from myself for
… you
What are the yous
Why do I deter from myself
Am I just a moth drawn to flame
Lost in the light
Doomed to be icarus
It wasn’t supposed to be like this
It was so unexpected
The ease with which walls crumbled down
Snap back to reality
I tried
Really the only thing left to do was run
I wonder what you did with all the letters
All the art
Something died in me that moment
You towering over me
Hot bellowing words heavy in the air between us
Red in the face
Salt spilling from my eyes
Sour sleep curled up scared
Just a bitch on the couch
There was no humanity left in the wee hours of the morning
Just harsh tones
A haunting single repeated line
Get the fuck out of my house
Purely Written 